Online pornography impacts the brain in ways that printed literature never can. A recent argument I heard ‘for porn’, came from John, who was trying to suggest that women’s use of erotic novels was comparable to the high numbers of men watching pornography online. This comment was in response to a troubling article by sex therapist, Marty Klein. I have requested right of reply with Psychology Today to address Marty’s article and dismissal of women who are devastated by their husbands’ porn use, and am awaiting their response to see if they will publish “Watching pornography is not a sexual right”. But getting back to John, I took the time to ‘enlighten’ him by unpacking the difference between online pornography and erotic literature, as well as challenge the notion of fantasy. I trust you find this perspective helpful.
John… when was the last time you spoke to a woman who could juggle 20 open books at once and rapidly scan between the stories in each book, keeping herself on the edge of an orgasm and then holding it back, before launching again into a frantic search, rubbing herself for hours till skin burns, self-stimulating with continuous and rapid flicking through the words on the pages till she finally finds exactly the right combination of the alphabet to orgasm to?
Words on pages versus online visual sexual content is vastly different. If it weren’t so, there would not be 100s of thousands of men quitting porn because they can no longer get it up to a real woman, having hardwired their brain to visual stimulus on the screen. It’s not ‘simply viewing a photograph’.
Picture instead, this scenario. A woman, secure in her relationship and believing the man she is committed to will have eyes only for her (for a season or a lifetime). She discovers that he is not only looking at a photograph, but an endless abyss of other women in online porn.
Prior to this, she may not have even known porn exists in hardcore form. But when she uncovers the truth of her lovers’ betrayal, goes searching to learn exactly what it is that he finds so captivating. She discovers men treating women like second class citizens, pounding them in every orifice – from deep throating to double penetration to anal – gagging, choking, hair pulling, and the money shot, all the while being told they are nothing but dirty sluts who deserve what they are getting.
Upon discovering the devastating reality of how depraved the content is that their beloved is watching, this woman is forced into a reality that she did not ask for, and spirals into post-traumatic stress disorder. Yet sex therapist Marty Klein comes to the rescue and tells this woman that she has nothing to worry about. It’s none of her business.
Online porn isn’t a just a personal fantasy. And by nature of production, romance novels aren’t a personal fantasy either. They are someone else’s scripted production. Another person created those scenarios – believing them to be ‘personal fantasies’, is complete denial of where they came from in the first place.
With online porn, the pied piper of the internet is the brainchild of a multi-billion-dollar porn industry that dictates to their spell-captured followers what images to entertain, delivered via a limitless conduit that has no off button. By virtue of substance, the women on the screen are living and breathing – by no means a fantasy. They are our sisters. They are our friends. They are our daughters. They are the ones that either forgot their worth or never knew to begin with. They are caught in the lie that somehow, if they subject to the dominant force, they could find empowerment in their own oppression.
Women weep over their partners’ betrayal. Some try everything they can to guide their partner towards accountability and enlightenment. Some do what they can to keep the peace and instead, find it easier to look the other way. Most end up rebuilding their lives when their partner chooses the virtual world over the authenticity of human connection.
A final comment to John, whoever you are. Suggesting that printed sexual content is a defence for using online pornography is uneducated. Even mainstream publications understand why your father’s Playboy can’t compete in today’s world of hard-core porn.
If you or loved ones are struggling with pornography’s impacts, you need to know that you are not alone. Click through for educational information, resources and links to online support services.
